In two weeks' time, my middle daughter will be leaving home for the first time to go to university. This past Sunday, she reflected aloud on something that struck both of us deeply: when she goes away and comes home at Christmas, life will never quite be the same again.

It was a poignant moment. Sitting together, we felt both the excitement of new beginnings and the quiet grief of endings.

For her, this realisation came with bittersweet awareness. She has grown up in Brighton and Hove, her home for 17 years.  Unlike my own experience of being sent to boarding school at age 11, I've tried to give my children consistency: the same schools, the same surroundings, the same community. She's had nearly two decades of friendships and familiarity. She knows, as her friends scatter to universities around the country, that this chapter of life is gently closing.

The Importance of Acknowledging Grief.

She is 19, and it feels like the right age for her to leave home. Yet that doesn't diminish the enormity of what she's stepping into. She is leaving behind her bedroom, her friends, her family, and everything familiar to begin again in a new city, on her own.

What strikes me is that she has the emotional awareness to articulate these feelings. Many children who leave home for boarding school don't yet have that language. They're often told to be grateful, to see it only as a "wonderful opportunity." Those well meaning reassurances can unintentionally dismiss the very real grief of leaving, and children learn to suppress their feelings of sadness for fear of being seen as "pathetic" or of upsetting their parents.

Grief matters. If we don't allow ourselves to feel it, it doesn't disappear but simply gets buried. Only when we acknowledge and process it can we move forward into the next chapter of life.

When Our Own Past Resurfaces

Of course, alongside her emotions are my own. I feel the tug of another child leaving the nest. After 19 years of being a steady presence in her life, I'm both excited for her independence and aware of my own loss. Our daily life changing, identities shifting, routines reshaping.

For parents who went through boarding school themselves, this transition can feel even more complicated. September, in particular, can bring back echoes of abandonment, of being left behind. When our children leave, those feelings can be reawakened unexpectedly, even as the logical part of us celebrates their achievements and future plans.

If you carry unprocessed feelings from your own school experience and suffer from complex PTSD, be mindful of how you approach your goodbye with your child. It may bring back those suppressed feelings you experienced on that first day at school when you were left. If you notice overwhelming feelings of sadness, consider reaching out to a therapist who understands boarding school trauma, or allow yourself time to process these emotions before your child's departure.

If you notice this in yourself, know that you're not alone. Take time to nurture yourself. Allow the tears to come. Make space to honour your own losses, even as you celebrate your child's milestones.

So, as I sit with my daughter in these final weeks before she leaves, I'm holding space for both of us, for the sadness, the pride, the grief, and the joy. In allowing those feelings, we create the possibility to step forward: she into her future, and me into the next chapter of my own life.

If any of this resonates with you, my heart goes out to you. This season of transition can be tender and complex. Parenting is far from easy, and I realise how much simpler it might have seemed to send my own children off to boarding school to be raised by others. However, as a result of my own deep personal work and the inspirational research of Joy Schaverien and Nick Duffell, I have no doubt that the benefits my children have received from growing up at home - from being able to say where they truly belong, far outweigh any opportunities they might have gained from boarding school.

If you would like to find out more about ways you could work alongside me, please visit www.theboardingschooltherapist.com