For men: How to connect and be more emotionally supportive in relationships.

I'm often aware that I seem to be able to empathise fully with both the female and the male experience at Boarding Schools. Prior to Boarding School, I was one of only two girls at my prep school and then my boarding school was co-ed with 200 girls and 800 boys.  In the past I have had male clients tell me that they can't quite work me out as I don't appear to fit into the gender norms of a woman.  What I find this enables me to do is to be able to empathise with both.  I am a woman who wants and needs a partner to be emotionally intelligent and be able to offer me empathy, reflection and emotional support.  I am also a woman who understands why many men due to their gender and conditioning, especially if they have been sent away to Boarding school lack the skills and ability to do this. 

Many men who attended boarding school at a young age were shaped by environments that prioritized structure, rules, and independence over emotional expression. These systems often produced capable, responsible adults who excel in many areas of life, but who quietly struggle with emotional intimacy in their relationships.

If this resonates with you, you're not alone. One of the most common challenges I see is when a male partner genuinely wants to connect but doesn't know how to offer empathy, emotional presence, or take initiative when it's needed most.  The more his partner demands it, the more he withdraws. 

The good news is that emotional intelligence can absolutely be learned, even later in life. Here's a practical guide to help you bridge that gap.

In boarding schools, young boys often learn to suppress vulnerability as a survival mechanism. Teasing and banter become emotional armour. Rigid routines replace the need for personal initiative. While these adaptations served you well in that environment, they can create barriers in adult relationships where empathy and emotional responsiveness are essential.

This disconnect isn't a character flaw but it's simply a learned pattern that can be unlearned.You don't need to have all the answers or solve every problem. Sometimes, just showing you care is enough.

Here are some simple phrases that demonstrate empathy and presence:

"That sounds really tough. Do you want to talk more about it?"

"I can see this matters to you, I'm listening."

"I don't totally understand, but I want to. Can you help me get it?"

"I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."

"What's been on your mind lately?"

"How are you really doing today?"

"Thanks for sharing that with me. I know that wasn't easy."

Notice what these phrases have in common: they focus on listening, not fixing. They invite connection rather than offering solutions.

Another difficulty many men report is staying present when when emotions rise. 

Many men instinctively want to withdraw when emotions intensify. Here's how to stay engaged instead:

Slow Yourself Down. When your partner is emotional, your instinct might be to retreat or defend. Instead, take a breath and remind yourself: "She's feeling something important. I can handle this. My job right now is just to listen."

Stay Curious, Not Defensive. Think of it like watching a story unfold rather than a problem to solve. Ask questions like "What's been building up?" or "Is there more you want me to hear?"

Mirror Back What You Hear. Repeat what she's shared in your own words: "So you felt overwhelmed when I didn't step in. Is that right?" This shows you're truly listening and helps her feel understood.

Sit With Silence. Don't rush to fix or respond. Sometimes just being quiet and staying physically and emotionally present is the most powerful thing you can do.

Taking intiative without being asked.

One common source of friction in relationships is when partners feel they have to ask for help with things that affect both of you. An annoyance I hear a lot from women is that he doesn't take any initiative.  "He will do things when I give him a list, but I don't want to always have to spell it out for him.  That just makes more work for myself."

Here's how to develop your initiative muscle:

Do a Daily Scan. Ask yourself: "What would make things easier for her today?" Look around with fresh eyes and think about what needs attention?

Use a Mental Checklist. Are the dishes done? Is the bin full? Are the kids fed? Did she handle dinner alone again? These small observations can guide meaningful action.

Act and Acknowledge. When you notice something and handle it, a simple "I noticed you seem worn out, so I'm going to put the kids to bed" shows intentionality rather than coincidence.

This kind of proactive care builds trust and demonstrates that you're thinking about her wellbeing, not just responding when prompted.

The Path Forward.

If you grew up in an environment where emotional support wasn't modeled, it's completely understandable that this feels awkward at first. Choosing to learn these skills is, in itself, an act of love and care.

With practice and patience, emotional connection can become something you build naturally rather than something that feels forced or foreign. The men who make this journey often find that their relationships improve and they may just save their marriages. 

Your willingness to grow in this area matters more than getting it perfect from the start. Take it one conversation, one moment of presence, one act of initiative at a time.