An extract from my December Newsletter 2025

Below is an extract from my December Newsletter in which I reflect about how the impacts of boarding school can be felt amongst families at Christmas and the reasons why.  

 If the glossy brochures were honest, they might say: “One consequence of boarding school is that your child may never truly return home. They may choose to live far away or abroad because they feel little connection to you, their siblings, or even the UK. They may prefer the distance, finding it easier to feel like an outsider in a foreign country than to feel like an outsider in their own family home.”

Many former boarders take this path, remaining separated and emotionally segregated from their families of origin. The conversations become polite, surface-level exchanges that echo the tone of childhood exeat weekends and half-terms with talk of school reports, sports, and external achievements, while the private self stays firmly walled off. Behind that armour may be a rebellious voice: Why should I share how I really am? You didn’t care then. You were never there to show me how to open up, to be vulnerable, to connect. For many, emotional intimacy is something that has never been learnt or felt safe enough to do.

 It’s no wonder Christmas Day which is a day meant to celebrate family can feel fraught or empty.

Twenty-five years ago, when I first had counselling and cracked the first layer of my own armour, I tried to have this conversation with my mum. As many of you fear, it was met with defensiveness and I feared upsetting her. My counsellor reminded me that she was a grown woman, and it was not my responsibility to manage her emotions. It was frightening as I feared rejection, but I knew I had to speak my truth. I had an eating disorder, and if I was to stop turning that anger inward, I needed to express it outward. The conversations began, and the bulimia stopped.

So many of us turn to addictions to manage feelings we were taught to suppress. How could we know any other way? Those early conversations with my mum were not easy; nor were the second, third, or fourth. Nor was the moment I began specialising in this area, or when I wrote an article for the Daily Mail.  However, my need for authenticity became stronger than my fear. I could no longer hide my rage or carry it inside. Nor did I want to.

This week, my mum agreed to do an interview with me. My hope is that it shows that difficult conversations about boarding school can be had and that sometimes relationships can be repaired. Perhaps it might even help you begin a conversation with your own parents, so that the legacy of fractured families left by boarding school can finally begin to heal.

I am also aware that this takes growth and a willingness from both sides and if you have a parent who has gone to boarding school themselves and is holding on tightly to the narrative that Boarding School did them no harm, it may feel too difficult for them to let go of any chink in their own armour. 

To view the video - here is the link.

Boarding School Conversations with my Mother.