A Christmas Message

 

Christmas can be a difficult time of year for many people, and it's often made worse because we compare ourselves to others. We see the happy families in John Lewis adverts. We hear about families who have fun at Christmas, who enjoy each other's company, who laugh, get merry, and have wonderful traditions.

And if you're someone who finds Christmas a struggle, you might feel obligated to spend time with parents you're holding unexpressed resentment toward, perhaps for sending you away to boarding school. You may find you only know each other on a surface level as a result of going away to school at a young age, which meant you never developed a deeper bond or connection.

When you go away to boarding school, you must detach from your family to get through it. If you stay firmly attached, you'll have a really difficult time, which is why for many, homesickness can stop quite abruptly. With that comes the breaking of attachments from your family. No wonder that as an adult at family occasions, you don't feel as connected or close to your family as you see other people being.

Another sad legacy of boarding school is that sibling relationships change. Perhaps one sibling stayed home while you went away, or you went to different schools, or even the same school. Often when children attend the same school, it's more important that they attach to their peer group than to each other. A division can occur between siblings that remains for the rest of their lives.

Because children detach from home, they may end up living far away from their family home, even on the other side of the world. Although you might feel you belong more in a foreign country than in the UK, it often means you're isolated from family, which can bring up sad feelings and confusion, a discombobulation at this time of year.

This time of year is also a big milestone for people who have gone through separation. It can be really hard if you've separated from your partner and have children. You're now navigating whether to have two different Christmases, where the children should go, if it's your year to have them, if it's not your year what do you do, how you spend your time. It's a reminder that the family unit is not as you wanted it to be. Whatever caused the separation, I know the intention of getting married and having a family was not to separate, and this can bring up all sorts of sadness.

We're also reminded of people we've loved who have died, and this can bring up grief as a reminder that they're not with us.

For those of you who are on your own, who have found it difficult to get into a relationship, which is something many ex-boarders struggle with, this time of year can make us feel like we're a failure because of the reminders of how other people are surrounded by loved ones.

What I really hope is that you can find a moment for yourself, and that you can find something that brings you joy, whatever that is. If you're surrounded by people and everyone else seems really happy, there is nothing wrong with you. Check in with yourself, your body, your nervous system. What do you need? Maybe just take a moment and think: what makes me happy, what brings me joy? Try to find some space over this next week for that. What can delight you? It may not be conventional, it may be something different, and that's okay.

One of my greatest learnings from immersing myself in my own development around my childhood and boarding school is accepting that I'm not "normal," and that's okay. My unconventional childhood meant I don't like to follow the same rules as everybody else, and that's okay.

So whatever you feel and whatever you need this year, I hope you can find a little bit of space and peace for yourself and give yourself whatever it is that you need.

I wish you well over this next week. Do take care of yourselves.

Amelia