What this is

In 75 minutes, I will explore why so many people who went to boarding school are left with a feeling that, somehow, they are never quite enough.

For some, this has meant a lifetime of striving. Working hard, achieving, being capable and appearing successful, while privately feeling that none of it is never good enough. 

For others, it can feel almost the opposite. Perhaps you haven't achieved what you thought you would or should. You compare yourself with former classmates, siblings or peers and wonder why everyone else seems to do it better. There may be a persistent feeling that you have somehow fallen short.

So although you may be in different places, there is a similar sense that who you are is not quite enough.

We will look at the blueprint you received through childhood and boarding school. The instructions that may not have been written down but were very clear:

Work hard. Achieve. Be self reliant. Don't make a fuss. Keep going.

For some people, that blueprint helped them build careers and outwardly successful lives. For others, those expectations became another measure against which they felt they had failed.

For many of you, the consequences have very little to do with career or money at all.

They show up in intimate relationships, in friendships and with family. In difficulty knowing what you want or need. In comparing yourself with others. In perfectionism and self criticism. In finding it hard to ask for help. In appearing capable while privately feeling inadequate.

This workshop is about understanding where some of these patterns come from, why they make complete sense, and what can begin to change when you stop seeing them as evidence that there is something wrong with you.

This is for you if

You went to boarding school and recognise this feeling of never quite being good enough.

Perhaps you've achieved a great deal but find it difficult to feel satisfied with any of it.

Or perhaps you feel you haven't achieved enough and carry a sense that you should have done more with your life.

You may be very capable at getting on with things, while finding other parts of life surprisingly difficult: relationships, closeness, asking for help, knowing what you actually want, managing criticism or simply feeling comfortable in yourself.

You may understand yourself very well intellectually and still wonder why knowing all of this hasn't changed how you actually feel.

You do not need to be successful, nor need to be struggling to attend. 

You just need to be curious about whether boarding school might have left you with a blueprint you are still living by.

A note on the gender differences

The blueprint looked different depending on whether you were a boy or a girl at school.

For men it was explicit: achieve, lead, be tough, contain your feelings, do not show weakness.

For women it was more insidious as it asked for all of that and also for something else. To be competent without being threatening, to take care of everyone around you and be a good wife and mother as well. 

This workshop speaks to both experiences, and names them separately where it matters.

What you will leave with

A framework that finally makes sense of patterns you have been trying to change for years.

A clearer picture of what becomes possible when you stop simply coping and start to really understanding what has been driving it.